It just keeps on coming…

May 11, 2009 at 11:47 pm (Baby)

My friends and family have been so great.  Kelly came the Thursday after surgery for a while and helped me make lunch.  She came over Friday with Zion to help me clean and make me smile.  Anne brought me the best minty cookies ever and peonies from her yard.  I made Kelly plant them while Zion and I sat in the yard in the sun.  Buck was confused by Zion’s screeching vocalizations, and tried to sit on my lap the whole time to keep Z from getting to me (my mom!)  When Kelly left I attempted walking around outside, and was sucked in by needing to clean off my perennial bed.  So I had a rake in my hand, nudging out the leaves so they would get blown away by the spring winds (and so I wouldn’t have to cart them away later) Sue caught me, and promised not to tell Peter!  She brought me chocolate ice cream, drumstick ice cream (new favorite!) and cheese curds, along with some nice flowers.  Amy and Kaela came to visit with beautiful potted violas.  Kaela played in the yard with the dog and Amy and I sat and talked outside.  B&G came over with supper.  G had a miscarriage last year and never really talked about it with me until the Friday after my surgery.  It was nice to discuss our situations with each other.  Saturday Dawn brought me my requested Swiss Steak, and we sat on the couch and chatted.  Mom brought food too, and kept me company.  Sunday I slept all day, trying to prep for going back to work Monday, except no one wanted me to go back yet, including my boss.  Who am I to argue?  So I stayed home Monday as well, which worked for Kelly to bring my girls and Z up for lunch, and drive me to have more blood drawn. 

 Tuesday I worked a part day, and it wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated emotionally.  I was very tired, though, and had a hard time keeping my pants on – I couldn’t wear a belt yet, and my pants needed one.  Thursday I had my post-op appointment, thinking that after emergency surgery and one week later that I could move on and start picking up my emotional and physical pieces, but no.  My hcg was back up again, not a lot by pregnancy standards, but enough that I had to wait around and get a metheltrexate shot – two of them, one in each butt cheek.  It is a shot that is used more prior to the ectopic surgery to end the pregnancy, but also after, and for cancer.  It has something to do with rapidly growing cells and folates (google it yourself if you want details…)  So I missed all day that day, and was bummed out that it just couldn’t be over with.  I wanted to yell at my body that if it wanted to hold on to pregnancy so bad, it should have kicked that egg out farther in the first place and we wouldn’t be in this mess!  I was sad and pissed – I couldn’t get a hold of Peter to tell him, and cried on his voice mail.  I called my mom while I waited to update her, and talked to Kelly for a long time.  We made sure that there was no possibility of any other viable living thing in my uterus (it isn’t just tissue to me, after all…) I had her tell Dawn during piano lessons too.  The shot made me woozy, but not really bad.  The nurses up there are great.

So now I have been having to have blood tests every other day for the last week and a half.  The first test after the shot went up, but apparently that is normal (Dr. Google even confirms…) and my last test was down significantly (to 98 from 153 – again, not huge numbers/jumps for normal pregnancy, but good for me).  I had another test this morning, and if it is still going down, I should be able to only have them once a week until I am under 10.  My arms would appreciate being done with all the poking. 

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.  I had noticed a couple of the commercials bothering me (the more sappy ones) but figured it was ok.  There was a couple cute babies at a party on Saturday night that made me sad, but it was ok.  Our dear friend Tom greeted me at church on Sunday morning with the sweetest/saddest greeting “life begins at conception, Happy Mother’s Day” and I lost it.  I am pretty sure I practically ran away from him into the sanctuary (we were late, and worship had started) to get to our seats.  I tried to dig my fingernails into my arms to distract me, but it didn’t work.  There was an infant in front of us that was adorable and all through church I had a very hard time keeping it together.  When we got to the car, my nose was red, and from more than my cold.  I took a couple long naps yesterday, and cried a bit to Peter and my lovely sister (who called me to see how I was doing…I love sister-brain and how we know when we need to get to each other.)  I am basically over it now (I didn’t even cry typing this!  Forward progress, yay!) but realized that I really need to just feel it, or I won’t really be over it.  I thought I had done that, but yesterday was hard.  I do hope to be a mom by next May, and hopefully I won’t have too many more crying days like yesterday (watch out for December 9th though…the due date…and the baby shower I have to go to in a few weeks for my dear Dianne…and when she has her baby in August…it will be ok…really)

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